Get Off My Lawn and Out of My Subway Seat

If you follow me on Twitter, or know me in real life you may have the impression that I don't really like children. You would be correct: I don't like kids. I worked at McDonald's instead of babysitting, I was the youngest child (of two) and I have a very small family. I didn't have many friends growing up so I probably started hating children while I was still one myself.

They're sticky and they're loud and they just generally get on my nerves. It may seem surprising that I've always wanted children of my own, however, and my mom assures me that I'll feel very differently about them when they actually originate inside of me. But until that day comes, other people's children are pretty much a daily annoyance for me, especially in a city filled with so many of them.

I've come to realize recently that it's not really even the child that I hate, but the parent(s) — I'm of the belief that most bad children can be directly traced back to bad parenting. Every once in a while there is a child and their parent that makes me totally rethink my blanket hatred, and even maybe crack a smile on my eternal bitch-face. For this reason, I give every little booger-eater the chance to win me over, but unfortunately most end up just reaffirming why they're mostly terrible creatures who should be avoided at all costs.

I've read a lot of "Subway Etiquette" articles since moving to the city, and people seem to be divided on the issue of giving up your seat for a child. I don't know one person that would argue that you shouldn't immediately give up your seat for an elderly, disabled or pregnant woman, but kids (ones not currently inside of their mothers, that is) are another story. I am of the opinion that if your kid can walk and stand then they should definitely do so on a crowded subway. I've seen plenty of kids in subway seats, and I very rarely see them actually sitting still. They're fidgety and wiggly and I've seen may of them treat their seat neighbors (aka complete strangers) as nothing more than human jungle gyms.

A few weeks ago, a family got on the train: mom, dad, two kids and grandma. A woman got up, offering her seat to the elderly grandma, like any kind person should do. The mom, instead of letting her mom sit, shoved one of her children into the empty seat. I was standing at the end of the car, and as the train pulled away from the station, the elderly woman FLEW into me, pinning me between her body and the door (one of my top subway fears: realized). The mom pulled her mother off of me, asking if she was ok (she didn't bother to ask me, but whatever I was fine). Seeing this, another good samaritan offered up their seat to the grandmother. The young mom then proceeded to shove her second child into the free seat, leaving her elderly mother still standing, even after she had clearly proven her need to be seated while the train was in motion.

Am I being a total "get-off-my-lawn" grumpy old person to think that children should stand like the rest of us? I actually feel horrible when I have my nose in a book or I'm just zoned out and don't notice a person in need of my seat before someone else does. Shouldn't parents be teaching their children to respect their elders and help those in need? It's ok if you just think I'm a total kid-hating monster, but I'm probably still not going to give up my seat to your able-bodied kid. Don't even make me tell you what I thought of the kid riding next to me recently whose parents thought it would be an awesome idea to give him a noisemaker. And yes, he definitely knew how to use it.